Endings

Oh my goodness, it's been a crazy month!  I've hardly had time to think, let alone blog about what's been going on...Here's a short rundown of what I've been up to since I last checked in...funny how many of them are about endings of one sort or another:

• Quick trip to Oklahoma the first week of May to celebrate my baby brother's 50th birthday - the end of our youth...
• Many days and nights of worry about friends and loved ones in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Kansas, and Missouri due to serious tornado outbreaks!  One of the towns we'd driven through on the way to my brother's was hit, and Joplin, Missouri is (was?) only 100 miles or so from the area I lived in before I came west. For over 100 people in SW Missouri it was truly the end...
• Graduation for all our Wilderness Awareness School students, ages 4-adult...the end of the school year makes me emotional - and our staff is changing quite a bit next fall.  It's going to be awesome, but different.  The end of an era, I suppose.
• I'm on the final part of a huge cross-stitch project that I brought out with me in 2006...it's for a friend, and I've worked (or not) on it for way too long...I'm taking off most of this coming week, and I'll complete the darned thing before week's end!  That one is the end of a chore I wish I'd not taken on.

That's the thing about endings...some are painful, others just make you face reality...and some free you to do other things...With the cross-stitch gone, I'll be able to enjoy the yarn and knitting needles friend Margaret sent me - boxes of the good stuff that I wouldn't buy for myself...After a series of endings, it's good to have a beginning to look forward to!

Late Summer Bounty

Lately it's seemed that I've only had bad news from friends and family - illness, job loss, the loss of a much-wanted pregnancy, and crazy disasters that defy explaination. I've been dealing with more car repairs. For the 1st time in about 10 months I have good brakes all around. Even my church has been under weird stresses that are worrisome. And yet, I've been feeling called to gratitude and celebration...
I live in a place that I love, work at a job that makes a difference in the world, and am surrounded by friends and by mountain vistas, forest, and fields...such a bounty of good things here!
Two weeks ago, I won a pound of produce at our local farmer's market! I chose 2 beautiful ripe peaches that were as good as any peaches I've ever had.
On Saturday, I spent a couple of hours hiking on a lovely trail with a new friend...and found the best tomatoes I've had since I left Missouri at Remlinger Farms in Carnation...then I took a long nap...we might have to rethink the idea we had about doing a 26 mile hike in one day...
The summer "heat wave" seems to have abated...it got all the way up to 93 one day! By Missouri standards, not so bad at all, and I'm really glad that summers here are short.
I had a week off work to enjoy good books, favorite old movies and I even got a fair amount of work done on a cross-stitch project I've been not working on for way longer than I care to reveal. In no particular order, the movies were, "Rio Bravo", "Stagecoach", "The Great Escape", "The Sound of Music", "Apollo 13", "The Stand", "Braveheart", "Men in Black", "The Hunt for Red October", and "Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade". I still think John Wayne is the best ever...
Today, one friend got hired after 5 months of unemployment, another got good news (or so her FaceBook status implies), and I've heard a good prognosis for another. I'm overwhelmed by gratitude and thankfulness for all those things.

An Anniversary of Note

It took me a long time today to
realize why I've been in such a
strange mood the past week or
so. As I was preparing a bank
deposit around noon I had to
enter the date, and then it hit me.
February 17 used to be my anniversary. This would have been 30 years...The Ex left in the summer of our 24th year, and the divorce was final just 3 days before our 25th Anniversary...Oh, that's it. That's why I've been unusually distracted and even a little bit ... not sad, exactly... I can't even think of the word that would cover the feeling I've had this past week. There must be one, and I bet my friends Madonna and Sally will e-mail it to me right away. It probably has something to do with moving on.

What I do know is that once I got the connection I put on my coat, and because I now have the sort of job that allows me to do so, I took a long walk...and decided that I needed to mark the occasion in some way. Not a celebration, exactly, but a rememberance of sorts.

There's a grocery store down the street...I wondered around for a while, looking at the
marked-down Valentine's Day candy...that didn't seem exactly right, but I craved something sweet. What I took back to the office to share with my coworkers was a big box of Pepperidge Farm cookies...the Entertaining collection...9 different kinds of cookies...the ones I don't often allow myself. It felt decadent! It felt really good to offer my friends a sweet treat and to be able to tell them why I felt the need to mark the day. Best of all, it felt really good to be able to do it without tears...like the swans in the photo today, I feel like I'm finally moving on.

Yikes!

This is a short but sadly funny comment...As I will be turning 50 on January 3rd, I suppose it should not have been a surprise to get a letter from AARP. Somehow, it just seems wrong to wind up on this mailing list. I don't know if I should be mad or sad. I don't feel older than, say 47 or 48. And what makes them think I'll be able to retire, anyway? Probably the smartest thing I've ever done was to cash in my retirement fund and come to the Residential Program. Given the current ecomomic news, it seems smarter than ever...but I'm wondering, will anyone of my generation and ecomomic status ever really be able to retire? Right now it does not look likely. But I'm so thankful that I took the money and ran when I did...I wouldn't have the option now.

WARPed!

Here's what happens when you've been WARPed....I let fellow WARP07 grad Laura Hersh paint my face at graduation on Saturday. It was my first face-painting adventure.

Pretty cool, huh? Who would have expected such wild behavior from me? Nobody...that's who.

That's why I'm particularly happy to have taken the chance and changed my life. It's very empowering to do something that you don't think you can - and that no one expects. Change is good.

As I listened to WARP08 spokesperson Carolyn Temes tell of her adventures, I realized that it's neccessary to do wild and crazy things. She's about my age, and struggled with the program, as I did. She came through it with class and courage. I hope I did as well.

It's a grand thing to take on an adventure that some folks think is too risky, too wild, too crazy. It's a grander thing to come out the other side with the confidence that success brings.

As I watched Carolyn introduce her family to her clan, I saw that her sister, her husband, and both her children were looking at her with respect and awe. That's a good thing.

Life brings changes, challenges and opportunities. Take 'em on...

Memories, Part 2

As I mentioned last week, the current crop of Residential students have made it through the year (including scout camp and survival trip) and will be graduating on Saturday.

It does not seem possible that it's been a full year since I did it. When I look back, I don't recognize the woman who came here from Missouri. She does not exist. I wish it was possible to show you the differences...you will just have to trust me on it.

I love my job in the office here at WAS. I would never have guessed that I'd be happily living in Washington, working with the coolest people I've ever met. Life is good. I just got the OK to do the Tracking Intensive this fall...which means I'll get out more and have further adventures. I love that tracking is one of the key elements of what we do here. It's really, really nice to work with people who get excited about the simplest of things...tracks in the mud, a photo of a Grossbeak on her nest, a bone found on the sandbar...For most of my life, those around me thought it strange that those things matter. Here, it matters a lot. And that's probably the thing that made the difference for me. The things that get me excited matter to everyone I work with and most of the people who walk in the door or call on the phone. Life IS good.

Walking in the Rain

I was a bit late getting home yesterday, and found myself walking in the rain. The up-hill portion of my walk was pleasant enough. I'm building endurance and don't have to stop half way up the hill anymore to catch my breath. I noticed that the wind was picking up, but I was wearing my good Columbia jacket and I'd stuffed my gloves in the pockets. I could have turned at the top of the rise and gone straight home.

Instead, I turned to the south and enjoyed the level, smooth roadway that takes me to the downhill part of my long block. By the time I'd gotten to the bottom, it was really raining. I stuck my gloved hands into my pockets and walked on. Having lived 30 miles from Seattle for over a year, I've made my peace with the rain.

At the corner of my street it looked as if the rain was going to moderate a bit, so I kept walking. There's a new neighborhood going in on the hillside below my street, and I've often seen deer grazing at the edge. They had better sense than I did yesterday. By the time I'd gotten to the bottom of that block the wind really picked up and I was walking into a driving, cold rain.

Didn't stop me. I kept walking. My legs began to feel the cold as the rain soaked my pants legs. My face felt frozen, and my glasses fogged. It was great!

I've finally relaxed into the idea that the weather, like life, changes. Can't stop it. Might as well learn to enjoy the ride.

The Time, It Is A Changin'

I am fighting the time change with every fiber of my being...Haven't been able to drag myself out of bed to do my sit spot all week...



OK, so it's an excuse...and I am sticking to it. It seems like it's taking an awful lot of coffee to get me going this week. And I'm not going anywhere very fast. You'd think that would make sitting under a tree all the more inviting. But I'm cranky and sleepy, and I have not been sitting long under that tree. I haven't been writing every day, either. Those New Year's resolutions are quickly losing ground.

I have been walking in the evening, learning the new neighborhood. I often see deer, and have found the best place to stand and look out over the valley. It's beautiful with fog hanging in the low spots. It's more so when the sun breaks out over the ridges just before it sets. The sky turns all pink and purple and orange for a few minutes. I understand the meaning of the word "Awesome" on those evenings.

I'll adjust to the time change. I don't like it, even though I do get more evening light to explore. Change, even for the better, is hard for us humans. You'd think by now, I'd have learned to just relax into it, and not put up a fight. Apparently, that's a lesson I still have to learn.

Lair of the Leopard - Day 1

I stopped under the carved leopard’s head just outside the canvas-covered doorway of Malalo Ya Chui and wondered what I’d gotten myself into. Once I stepped inside the rustic 8-sided structure I would be committing – really committing - to spending nine months of my life with whomever I found inside.

Coming here was an act of desperation. I had to make some major changes in my life if I was going to survive… changes that I chose instead of the ones that had been chosen for me. I wondered if I had the courage to do it. I was already late. Would it really matter if I just slunk off down the trail to the parking lot and left? I’d be out the deposit, but it wasn’t too late to change my mind.

My Missouri eyes had not yet adjusted to the intense greens of the lush vegetation that surrounded me. I didn’t recognize many of the trees or plants. The giant Western Red cedars (Thuja plicata) looked familiar, if much larger than the cedar trees of home, and I saw Maple-like leaves, but the trees, Vine Maples ( Acer circinatum), were different from the Maples I was familiar with. The mosses and ferns were foreign to me. Even the birds I heard calling in the forest were not the birds I knew. This place was a jungle to me.

Then I remembered the reason I was here…To learn about new things and places... To expand my paremeters...There was a welcoming wood smoke wafting up from the center of the roof, and I reasoned that the people inside must be much like me…Who else would sign up for a naturalist training program? Knowing only that told me that I had more in common with them than I had with the majority of the people I’d ever met. I was going to be alright here.

I looked to the leopard for confirmation. Lair of the Leopard - that’s what Malalo Ya Chui means. It’s located on the property called Linne Doran, or Pond of the Otter, in the Cascade foothills near Duvall, Washington. I had enrolled in the Residential Program at the Wilderness Awareness School. I was 2000 miles from home…and closer to Home than I ever had been.

The leopard was silent, letting me choose. I chose to go in. The moment I lifted the canvas to enter I knew I’d made the right decision. I can’t explain it. It just felt right, and good, and comfortable. The gut feeling I’d had when I’d stumbled on to the school’s website returned with a power that took my breath. This was where I was supposed to be now, this year, this class. This was where I needed to be. A thought came so fast and hard that I could not disbelieve it. “This is where you can heal.” Intuition is something that I had come to respect the hard way. I am a believer. I entered the lair.

New Year's Resolutions, Revolutions, and Revelations

As I'm sipping wine and thinking about the changes I want to make in my life in the New Year it occurs to me that I have it pretty good...
I'm living in the beautiful Pacific Northwest with a warm apartment to come home to, a cat who greets me, food in the pantry, and piles of books and boxes of craft supplies to keep me entertained. If I can't find anything to watch on the 4 TV channels I can get without cable I pop a movie into the DVD player and enjoy an old favorite. My '99 Bravada gets me to work and back. I like my job at Wilderness Awareness School and my office has a window!

That window is important...I worked the night shift for many years as a nurse's aide at a small Missouri hospital, and then worked for 15 years or so in the storeroom. There weren't any windows in the storeroom. The only natural light that came in was through the back door when trucks came with freight to unload. Those all-too short glimpses of the outdoors came with diesel exhaust. So, I don't have much to complain about. Still, this day is traditionally the one day when we all resolve to do better...be better. With no further ado, here are my New Year's Resolutions, version 2000.8

• I will get Mom's birthday present in the mail so that it will arrive by Jan. 7th.
• I will talk to my friends back in Missouri more often, for no reason at all. For a while, we only spoke on the phone if there was bad news to relay. After Cheryl had called me for the 2nd time to tell me of the deaths of other friends, we agreed to phone on Monday evenings. Sometimes she calls me, sometimes I call her, but we do call, just for fun.
• I will write every day...OK, every other day...every third day, for sure...and I'll be brave about asking people to read my stuff. There's just no point in writing unless someone reads it.
• I will drink more wine. The glass I'm having tonight is from a 4-pack of single-serve bottles that I bought to celebrate my graduation from WAS - in June. I still have a bottle left.
• There's no doubt that I'm going to continue to eat ice cream, so I'm going to allow myself to have the good stuff. No guilt allowed. Hot fudge sauce on special occasions.
• I'm going to stop reading a book if it's not good in the first 3 chapters...there are way too many books to waste time on bad ones.
• I'm going to take more bubble baths.
• I will visit the new Cabela's in Lacey, Washington...it's dangerous. I could happily spend every penny I ever make in that store. It's the one thing about Kansas City that I have missed... and the barbecue, of course.
• I will use the fishing license that I bought.
• I will be grateful every day for the remarkable opportunity I have here in my new life.

Life gets complicated if we let it...and the world keeps turning. It only turns in one direction, so there's no use trying to go back.

See how profound I can be with a little wine?

Happy New Year! Please celebrate sanely.

So What Got Me On That Airplane, Anyway?

I've been negligent in explaining how I came to be on that airplane in my first blog post. I was interviewing for a Women In The Outdoors position , a job that I'd been pursuing for a couple of years. It was my 2nd interview with them.

Shortly after I was divorced, we started a local chapter of the National Wild Turkey Federation in Butler, Missouri. I was elected secretary of our chapter, and eventually spent a year as chapter president. One of my favorite parts was in coordinating a Women In The Outdoors Skills Day at Adrian a few miles to the north.

I'd only attended one such event, in southern Kansas the previous year, and it was the key to my being brave enough to come to Washington later. In fact, that trip of less than a hundred miles was my very first road trip as solo driver. I wanted to go so badly that I taught myself to drive on Highway 71 even though it scared me to death. I'll tell you about that another time.

The important part of today's story is that I began to apply for jobs in the Women In The Outdoors program. After about a year, I was called to go to the national headquarters in Edgefield, South Carolina for an interview. My sister Susan went with me on that trip, and there are tales to tell...having 3 teenagers, she was up to the task of teaching me to drive across country. Our adventures in the South are yet another story, and a prequel to our trip to Washington. If I stop to tell it now, I'll never get on that plane.

The last couple of months in the Residential Program were intense with Scout Camp and the Survival Trip leading to our graduation in early June. And I knew that there was a regional position open in the Women In The Outdoors program. It was for Arkansas/Louisiana, and I knew that my Mom and Susan, who had both moved to Arkansas, would be...annoyed... if I didn't at least apply for it. I did, and then pretty much forgot about it. In our final week as Rezzies, I got a call on my cell phone. They wanted to interview me...in Little Rock...the week after graduation! I didn't have time to drive...I could only see one way to get there, and I didn't like it.

Now here's the cool part...when my fellow Rezzies - my clan- found out about my dilemma, they started talking to me. Todd was the first to ask how I was doing that day. We were down near the Cable Tree among the tall Cedars (Thuja plicata) and the Sword Fern (Polystichum munitum) waiting for the others to catch up. By now, I knew I could absolutly trust my clan. I confessed that I was thinking of passing up the interview for my dream job because I was afraid to fly. Todd flies a lot. If he has any scary airplane stories, he did not tell me. Other Rezzies gathered around. Filip, Heather, and Laura were especially encouraging. Not one person came up with a bad flight experience. Every single one told me I could do it, that I'd be great at the job. Every single one of them encouraged me to try.

So, I got on the plane, changed at Ft. Worth, then landed in Little Rock...did the interview, which seemed to go well...and returned to Seattle wishing I didn't have to leave. In 2 days, I had 4 take-offs and 4 landings. And knew that, whatever the result of the interview, I'd passed yet another milestone in one short year. Kingfisher!

Taking Off...Looking For a Safe Place to Land

The plane lurched and tilted to the right. "We are going down," screamed the shrill voice in my head. On the outside I thought I remained fairly calm. Probably nobody noticed that my right hand pulled up on the armrest as if to right the plane. My left had gone to my neck and my most valuable piece of jewelry. The quarter-size disk of Pacific Yew (Taxus brevifolia) is just right for use as a worry bead. I've rubbed it shiny with the oils from my skin..

My instructors carved it and 17 more from the branch of a tree found growing near the river. It's strung on Dogbane (Apocynum cannabinum) cordage they made while waiting out the 4 long nights of our survival trip. It was our final exam. We passed. KINGFISHER! They welcomed us back from the far side of the river with Miso soup, watermelon, chocolate, and the necklaces - riches we hadn't expected.

Interesting...the panic didn't set in. Landing gear! That explained the sudden lurch. We were landing in Seattle. I didn't know it yet, but I was coming safely home.

As the plane continued it's slow tilt and turn to the right I saw Mt. Baker. The last light from the setting sun hit the sound and streamers of gold and red bounced off the water and up to the low lying purple clouds to the west. Sometimes God gives you a movie moment, and I think he expects us to be grateful. "Thank you," I said in a small quiet voice. Mt. Rainer appeared in my window and the ground met us gently. I'd survived another adventure! "And thank you for that," I added.

I was the last person you'd ever expect to have adventures. On February 14, 2004 - three days before what would have been our 25th anniversary - I found myself divorced and with a job that kicked my butt every day. I'd lost the house we'd built just 3 years earlier, and had narrowly avoided being held responsible for the entire financial burden of the breakup. I had bills I couldn't pay, my blood pressure was up, my feet and my shoulder hurt, and I was sure that I was stuck. Helpless...Hopeless...

I hid in the basement of a friend's house during tornado watches. I didn't drive on the highway. I wouldn't fly- it was too dangerous, and I didn't buy the whole concept of flight anyway. Fear was keeping me from having a life. And yet, I desperately wanted to go places, do things - have adventures.

I found the website to Wilderness Awareness School by accident, applied for a scholarship, quit my job and left Missouri to be the oldest "kid" in the 2006-2007 Residential Program. It was the first thing I'd ever done without a plan and a back-up plan. It was the smartest thing I've ever done.

Aside from the challenges of going back to school, I was stuck in a yurt for 3 days by flood, stranded in town by snow, and survived an earthquake -sort of. I built and slept in debris huts and snow shelters. I learned to start a fire with a bow drill, make and use primitve tools, and gather plants for food and medicine. I learned to stand up for my self, trust my intuition, and tell my story.

My friends tell me I was brave to quit my job and move 2000 miles away to start a new life...I don't feel particularly brave. I just knew that if I was going to survive, I had to make some big changes in my life. And I'm not just surviving - I'm thriving.

In this blog, I'm going to share my adventures...it probably won't be linear. I go off on tangents. It'll be part outdoor adventure, part travelog, part naturalist's notebook, and part... well, I guess we'll see about that. I'll share my best stories, my biggest triumphs, and my worst moments. It's my intention to entertain you, make you laugh, teach you some cool naturalist "stuff", and, sometimes even make you cry. It's about what I've experienced, what I've learned, howI got here, and where I hope to go from here.

I'll reveal my favorite outdoor store (Cabela's), what equipment I bought (snowshoes, sleeping bags, tents, water purifiers, etc.), what I liked, and what didn't work for me. I'll tell you about my favorite books, my best friends, and my biggest challenges. Life is meant to be an adventure...let me tell you about mine.